


Dammit, Harry!

by Aleigh75



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, HP: EWE, I have bizarre dreams, No Smut, Zombies, crackfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-22
Updated: 2015-08-24
Packaged: 2018-04-16 17:12:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4633476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aleigh75/pseuds/Aleigh75
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zombies! Well...Inferi...sort of. Shortly after the final battle, the dead start coming back to life, but it's not as serious as you might think. Also, the Ministry wants everyone to get married! AKA "Attack of the Nibblers!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is completely based on a ridiculous dream that I had about a week ago. I woke up laughing, and I finally had to write it down. It starts off sort of serious, but don't let that fool you. It's not meant to be taken seriously in any way. I'm not sure how long it's going to be, but I'm about half finished writing it. Probably less than ten chapters, but I do tend to ramble on. The prologue is super short though.
> 
> Oh, and this one probably won't get smutty. The dream didn't, and I'm trying to stick to it.

" _Avada Kadavra_!"

" _Expelliarmus_ !"

If Hermione Granger had been a bit less frantic with worry about the events unfolding before her, she might have slapped herself in the forehead in frustration over the fact that Harry had once again chosen to use a bloody disarming spell against the Dark Lord's killing curse. As it was, she was practically hyperventilating with fear. Make that _was_ hyperventilating. As her vision blurred around the edges, she sucked in a deep breath. She had no further time for thought or action. Miraculously, the elder wand flew from Voldemort's hand and soared into the air, arcing across the courtyard, and landing squarely in Harry's palm at the same moment Voldemort's own spell rebounded off Harry's and hit him right in the face. It might have been her imagination (the dark wizard really hadn't had any time to react, and everyone knew the killing curse was instant), but it seemed like he almost looked...relieved?

Harry gawked rather comically at the wand in his hand, then shifted his attention back to his opponent just in time to see Voldemort's lifeless body slump to the ground, hit his knees, and then fall forward, landing in a graceless heap.

Hermione sucked in another breath. All around her, the air seemed to swell, almost crushing her, then contracted back into place with an almost audible clap. Everyone stared at the fallen corpse for what seemed like an eternity until someone finally broke the silence by screaming, "Harry!" He turned to look at her, a dazed smile gradually spreading across his face. ‘ _Oh, was that me_?’ she wondered, shaking her head to clear the sudden numbness that seemed to be overwhelming her brain.

"Harry!" Something bumped her right shoulder, and a blur of red flashed in the corner of her vision. Ron. She'd completely forgotten he was standing beside her, but when he started to run toward their best friend, she scrambled to catch up, somehow overtaking him despite his much longer legs.

Harry opened his arms as they drew near, and they both slammed into him, bouncing up and down, and embracing him excitedly. "You did it Harry!" Hermione squealed, finally beginning to comprehend exactly what had just happened. "He's gone. He's gone, Harry! You did it!!!"

He laughed, seeming a bit stunned. "I know!" He yelled cheerfully, picking her up and spinning her around when Ron let go of them in order to hug his father.

"Harry!" A booming voice from above made him freeze. He looked guiltily up at Hagrid, who was looming over them, his hands on his hips and tears streaming down his face. "Don't you _ever_ do something like that to me again!"

"I'm so sorry Hagrid!" Harry blurted. "I had to...it was the only way..."

Hagrid scowled for another second or two, then his whole face lit up in a beatific smile. "Oh, come 'ere, you!" He laughed and scooped both Harry and Hermione up in his arms, hugging them so hard Hermione thought she felt a rib crack. "Three cheers for Harry!" the half-giant bellowed unnecessarily.

Everyone around them was already screaming Harry’s name uproariously, jostling them this way and that once Hagrid set them back down. Hermione felt more than one person patting her on the back, and received hugs from people she'd never seen before in her life. She was gradually separated from both Ron and Harry in all the confusion, and started trying to make her way to the edge of the throng of people. It was very slow going, as nearly everyone she encountered had questions. Where had the three of them been for the last nine months? Had they really robbed Gringotts? Had she known Harry wasn't really dead? Did she think _Voldemort_ was really dead? Was she dating Ron? Was she dating _Harry_?

Hermione answered all but the last two questions to the best of her ability. She needed to talk to Ron as soon as possible, before she told anyone that they were just friends, nothing more. She wanted to be sure he heard it from her first. Their kiss earlier had left her strangely unmoved, and she'd realized to her chagrin that the feelings she'd had for him before he abandoned her and Harry all those months ago had changed. They'd been so busy since he returned that she hadn't noticed until he kissed her that she was no longer romantically attracted to him. She couldn't say she was really all that surprised... deep down she'd always known they were too different for her crush (or his) to last. He was one of her best friends, though, and she owed it to him to let him down gently.

  
As for Harry...she didn't really want to dwell on her feelings for him, now or ever. Glancing back across the crowded courtyard, she thought she saw a flash of long, brilliantly red hair right in front of Hagrid, near where she'd last seen Harry. He was with Ginny, and most likely going to remain so indefinitely. Sighing softly, Hermione pushed her way through the outskirts of the crowd, and made her way inside, praying that at least one lavatory was still intact; she desperately needed to relieve her bladder, and she thought she might indulge in a quick cry. Maybe not in that order. 

She glanced into the Great Hall as she passed, but looked away quickly when she spotted Madam Pomfrey's grim expression as the healer pulled a sheet over the face of someone lying on the floor in front of her. Hermione just barely caught a glimpse of filthy blond hair, but couldn't tell who the person was, other than that they were probably male. On the other side of the deceased person, she saw Padma and Pavarti Patil sitting on either side of Lavender Brown, who was deathly pale and motionless. Madam Pomfrey leaned over the injured girl, checking her pulse before shaking her head almost imperceptibly. This was definitely a good time for a cry. Hermione choked back a sob and ran for the nearest restroom. 


	2. Chapter 1

_Tuesday, May 12, 1998_

"How bloody long is this going to take?" Ron complained, checking his watch for the twentieth time in as many minutes. "They said Lavender is probably going to wake up soon. I need to be there..."

Hermione smiled to herself. Her former roommate had actually survived being attacked by Fenrir Greyback, but she was now a full fledged werewolf. Last night had been her first transformation, and Hermione knew Ron was eager to get back to St. Mungo's before his girlfriend awoke. Hermione hadn’t even had to tell the redhead that she didn't have feelings for him anymore...he had apologetically informed her that whatever romantic relationship they had was over after he'd been reunited with Lavender shortly after the battle. Madam Pomfrey had sadly informed everyone that the blonde's death was imminent, but Ron had wanted to accompany her when she was moved to St. Mungo's, announcing his intention to stay with her...either until her parents arrived, or the worst happened. Everyone was shocked when Lavender's wounds began healing overnight, leaving vivid scars. She woke up the next day already aware of what Greyback had done to her. Specialists at St. Mungo's had been trying to prepare her for her new life, but last night had been the first real test, and Hermione couldn't blame Ron for wanting to be with her. Unfortunately, Kingsley Shacklebolt had called for a mandatory gathering in the massive lobby of the Ministry of Magic. All able bodied witches and wizards over the age of seventeen were required to attend in order for him to make an important announcement. Not even Harry could get the newly appointed Minister to make an exception for Ron. Tensions were running high as everyone speculated about what he planned to announce.

"It was supposed to start two minutes ago. What's taking so long?" the redhead whined, stretching up on his toes to see over the crowd.

"I'm sure he'll start any moment, Ron," Hermione murmured, patting his arm. "Lavender knows where you are. She'll understand if you're not there..."

"I know. I know. Oh! Here he comes!" Ron exclaimed excitedly. Several people around them turned in the direction of the lifts, whispering anxiously amongst themselves.

Not for the first time, Hermione cursed her short stature, resigning herself to rely on her much taller friends to let her know if there was anything of visual interest that she should be aware of.

"Am I late?!" Harry's voice in her right ear startled her, and his breath on her neck made her shiver. Turning, she found him dressed in jeans, an oversized gray hoodie, and sunglasses, which she had charmed with his prescription the week before. Ever since the battle, he was accosted by adoring fans any time he set foot in public. Large crowds had even gathered outside the wards at the Burrow and Grimmauld Place, despite the fact that the latter was supposedly still under the Fidelus Charm. She was beginning to wonder why Dumbledore had ever entrusted James and Lily Potter’s lives to that stupid spell.

"He just came out Harry," Hermione murmured, looking behind him. "Where's Ginny?"

"I don't know," he replied with a distracted shrug. "Isn't she with you?"

"No. She never came home last night. I thought she was with you," Hermione whispered as Kingsley cleared his throat. The younger witch had left the Burrow at about eight the previous evening, announcing cheerfully that she had a date. Harry had left earlier in the day, saying he was working on a surprise. Neither of them had come back, and everyone had assumed they were together. Hermione knew that if Molly wasn’t so deeply depressed over losing Fred, she probably would have had both of their hides, but as it was, she barely seemed to notice that her daughter was gone.

Harry gave Hermione an odd look, but didn't reply, turning forward as the new Minister of Magic's deep, rumbling voice filled the huge space. "Thank you everyone for being here today...not that I gave you a choice in the matter," Kingsley boomed. Hermione suspected he wasn't even using a 'sonorus' charm. More than a few people met his opening words with not so gracious grumbling. "I know...I know...but I believe it is vital that we all pull together at this time. Yes, Voldemort is dead, but there are still those among us who share in his sick philosophy...those who believe in the hatred that he would have gladly spread throughout our world. We need to work together to overcome the prejudice and fear that have run rampant through this community since the first wizarding war. Voldemort is gone, but this community is still divided, and we cannot afford any further strife. We need to embrace each other as equals...all of us. Purebloods, halfbloods, muggleborns, rich, poor, black, white or otherwise!" At this there was a loud round of applause.

Hermione noticed incredulously that Draco Malfoy was standing with his mother about fifteen feet to her left, and they were both clapping right along with everyone else. Rolling her eyes, she turned her attention back to Kingsley, even though she couldn't see him. "As you can see, we've already taken some steps to remove the blight this war has left on our world..." several people near the front of the crowd cheered again, and Hermione assumed he was talking about the newly created fountain that now stood in place of the twisted monstrosity Voldemort had installed during his relatively brief control of the Ministry. The former symbol of racism and oppression had been replaced by leaping balls of white light, towering jets of water, and white marble statues representing every magical race known to the wizarding world...even the "darker" species like werewolves, vampires, trolls and ogres. "We need to accept one another as is, and learn to get along, or all of us are doomed. The populations of every sentient magical race were severely impacted by this war. We all need to work together, or our world simply cannot continue. I've begun to appoint ambassadors to speak with the other magical races..." he must have gestured at Hagrid, because even Hermione could see when the half-giant blushed and bowed his head slightly. "They will be meeting with representatives from each race to discus how we can promote more positive relations between the various groups."

"Even vampires?!" Someone yelled, their tone heavy with doubt.

"Yes, even vampires," Kingsley said, sternly. "And all the other races I can see you all thinking about. I believe that we can overcome the obstacles that have traditionally prevented us wizards from living harmoniously with some of our magical brethren-"

"You mean us having our heads up our own arses?" a voice that sounded suspiciously like Charlie Weasley called out, sparking a wave of nervous laughter.

"That would be one of the obstacles," Kingsley replied, sounding amused. "If nothing else, the war demonstrated that we cannot underestimate the other magical beings we share this world with. They all fought fiercely...on both sides. Voldemort used our poor treatment of them to manipulate them. I believe that if we had been more open minded, he never would have been able to convince them to work against us. None of them should be disregarded now." There was a long lull as he let people think this over. "In that spirit, I am hereby abolishing the restrictions barring werewolves and vampires from employment in the Ministry, and making it illegal for any potential employer to discriminate against them solely based on their race."

"You expect us to go see a vampire healer?!" Someone scoffed loudly.

"If they can prove they are capable and competent, yes," Kingsley answered. "Resisting the urge to feed on their patientS would definitely be considered one of the requirements of the job, so..." Kingsley trailed off. "I'm not saying every job should be open to every race, and there are probably going to be rough patches along the way as we figure things out, but we must try to be more inclusive. There simply aren't enough wizards and witches left to do all of the work that needs to be done to rebuild our world. Which brings me to my next point..."

Hermione's eyes widened, and she noticed a lot of the younger people in the crowd exchanging worried looks. Practically since day one, as soon as the smoke had cleared, rumors had been spreading that the Ministry planned to reinstate an ancient law that had once required every witch and wizard to marry by age twenty, and produce at least one child by age twenty five. Of course, there were a lot of single witches and wizards who were already older than that, but word "on the street" was that the new law might just give a certain amount of time to accomplish these goals;  one year to marry and five to produce a child, for example. The worst rumors said that purebloods wouldn't be allowed to marry other purebloods for fear that they had already become hopelessly inbred, thus the high number of Squibs born in the last few decades. Surely Kingsley wasn't about to prove any of these rumors true...

  
"Breath, people!" Kingsley chuckled. "We're not going to force you to get married!" Half the crowd exhaled as one, and the MInister burst out laughing. "Merlin...you should see your faces." There was another pause in which Hermione assumed he was trying to control himself. Finally, he said, "Listen, we don't want to start controlling every aspect of your lives, especially not your love lives. What we have decided to do, since we know times are extremely hard for most of you financially right now, is to help out those of you who might already be thinking about marriage, or children, but cannot afford to do so."

Hermione noticed that Ron's head popped up slightly, and smiled.

"The Ministry has ample financial resources. Ironically, Voldemort had gathered huge amounts of money while he was in power. The reason we haven’t begun to rebuild is simply the lack of adequate labor, which we're hoping to rectify by reaching out to the other magical races. In the meantime, this means that we have plenty of funds available to assist those of you who are willing to start families of your own. For those of you who are already married, we're willing to contribute financially if you want to have a child. Our population is dangerously, dangerously low right now. We shouldn't all fit in this room right now, even without all the injured who are still at St. Mungo's." The room went quiet as everyone looked around. The Ministry lobby was an enormous space, with several rows of balconies reaching up to the ceiling, all packed with people, but Kingsley was right...the wizard population of Britain should definitely not fit in one room, no matter how large it was, or how tightly they were crowded.

"What sort of assistance are you talking?" a wizard near the back hollered, breaking a long, uncomfortable silence.

"We’re willing to issue grants to be used to buy new couples homes of their own, within reason, of course. A new department is being created to assist in finding employment, either new jobs, or simply better paying than what you may have now. We will also provide training, if necessary, in the form of scholarships to any of the three wizarding universities here in the UK. For those of you who already have your own homes and gainful employment, we're willing to offer free childcare and, in the future, free scholarships for your children. Whatever assistance you need, we're willing to at least talk about it. Also, perhaps some of you don't want to marry, but would be willing to adopt a child? There are many orphans looking for homes right now. We're willing to help any unmarried witch or wizard who would be interested in taking in a child, either permanently or temporarily."

Everyone was whispering now. Ron was talking animatedly with his mother and father. Hermione noticed that Ginny had finally joined them at some point, and she was smiling to herself. Of course she was happy. Everyone knew that Harry wanted a big family someday, and now they could definitely afford it, even though Harry had donated a great deal of his family's money to the crowded orphanage in London and to the repair fund.

Kingsley's closing words must have been lost in all the noise, because the next thing Hermione knew, he was standing right in front of her. Well, in front of Harry, really. "You made it," he said teasingly to the younger man.

"Sorry I was late," Harry muttered sheepishly. "Reporters."

"Ah," Kingsley nodded in understanding. "So...do you think people are going to take us up on it?"

Ron had already left, but Ginny, Arthur and Molly joined them now, the latter looking very pale and staring at her hands. Hermione thought it was a bit cruel of Kingsley to have insisted she attend, but when the Minister and Arthur exchanged looks, she realized Arthur might have asked him to in order to get her out of the house. She'd barely left her room since Fred's funeral the week before. "I think they're a bit shocked, but this is definitely far better news than what some of them were anticipating. I think quite a few will accept the offer, once they've had time to consider. I know Ron is interested, but..." Arthur glanced awkwardly at Hermione and cleared his throat.

"Lavender needs a lot more time to recover before they can get married," Hermione finished for him, smiling to let him know she was fine with his son's renewed relationship with her former roommate.

"Exactly," Arthur said, looking relieved. "How about you Harry?" he asked cheerfully. "Are you ready to tie the knot?"

"Aw, I'd love to, but you're already taken," Harry joked, winking at him.

Arthur snorted, and even Molly cracked a slight smile. "You know what I meant, Harry. You and Gi-"

"Dad!" Ginny hissed, shaking her head firmly. "No. A world of no."

Hermione's eyes bugged out of her head, Kingsley frowned, and Arthur's jaw dropped, but neither Harry or Molly seemed surprised by the younger woman's reaction. In fact, Harry just laughed. "Ron's not the only one reigniting old flames, eh Gin?" he asked teasingly.

"Oh, shut up, Harry," Ginny muttered, blushing furiously and staring at her feet.

"What’re you-" Hermione began.

Suddenly a patronus in the shape of a smallish bear came lumbering up to Kingsley. It put its mouth right to his ear, and Hermione could hear a low male voice murmuring urgently. She wouldn't have thought it possible, but the Minister paled visibly. "Arthur, can you please join me? Harry...Hermione...you might as well come along," he added almost as an afterthought.

"What's wrong, Kingsley?" Arthur asked worriedly.

Ignoring him, Kingsley turned to Ginny and Molly, who was shaking all over. "Ginny, can you please take your mother home? Floo straight there, and lock the doors," Kingsley said tightly. "I can't send aurors, so make sure your wards are up and try to stay in the house."

"What's going on?!" Hermione demanded as the younger witch obediently led her mother to the nearest Floo. She noticed a large group of aurors had entered the lobby and were beginning to lead people to the Floos in small groups.

"Not here. I don't want to cause a panic," Kingsley replied tightly, motioning for them to follow him toward the lifts.

"What's going on?" Hermione repeated her question once they were safely ensconced in Kingsley's private office on the top floor of the Ministry. They'd been joined by a few rather intimidating looking Aurors; Bill, Charlie, and Percy Weasley; and several other Ministry officials, a few of whom she recognized as Order of the Phoenix members.

Kingsley leaned against the front edge of his desk and sighed heavily, rubbing his hand over his face before finally looking her in the eye. "We've been receiving some rather disturbing reports over the last few days..." he replied before trailing off and gazing at the ceiling, seemingly at a loss for words

"Reports of..." Harry prodded, exchanging a worried look with Hermione.

"Oh Merlin, it seemed ridiculous at first..." Kingsley muttered, rubbing his face again. Exhaling loudly, he blurted, "The dead are rising."

Whatever Hermione had been expecting, that was certainly not it. "What?"

Arthur, his sons, and a couple of the others also expressed their shock. Harry just slumped back in his chair, shoved his glasses up and rubbed his eyes, looking exhausted.

"We brushed them off at first. There were only one or two, and they had been reported missing after the battle, not dead. We thought it had just been a misunderstanding," Kingsley explained. "But there have been others. Confirmed dead...crawling out of their graves and...well...going home."

"A-are they alive...normal?" Hermione whispered when no one else seemed willing to talk.

Kingsley shook his head grimly. "Inferi." Someone at the back of the room gasped. "It seems that everyone who died in the Battle of Hogwarts is returning." Kingsley reluctantly looked at Arthur, and bit his lip.

Arthur went pale, and took a step back, shaking his head. "No." Hermione gasped in realization. Fred.

"I'm sorry, Arthur," Kingsley sighed regretfully. Pushing away from his desk, he began to pace back and forth. "He hasn’t been spotted yet, but the problem is escalating. They’re appearing faster than we can take care of them."

Hermione cringed, more than capable of imagining what he meant by 'taking care of' the Inferi. She bit the inside of her cheek firmly to keep from making a sound. Harry reached over and took her hand, squeezing gently, and she smiled at him gratefully.

"How many?" Bill asked quietly.

"Well, in the first week, there were only three reported, total," Kingsley explained. "The first was three days after the Battle." Leaning on the edge of his desk again, he said, "Last week, the reports gradually began to increase. Friday, we had three in one day. Saturday, we had four. On Sunday, there were six. Yesterday, eight." He shook his head and rubbed his face again. "Today..."

Hermione frowned. "Today?"

"There have been ten just this morning," he admitted. "It gets worse..."

"Of course it does," Charlie muttered. One of the Aurors snorted bitterly.

"One of the people who was reported today...well...she was bitten by the second person to rise after the battle, about 6 days ago," Kingsley rolled his eyes. "She lived alone, and we didn't even know that she had passed away until her sister stopped by for a visit today. The sister  is now in quarantine at St. Mungo's."

"Her sister bit her," one of the Aurors said. It didn't sound like a question.

"Yes." Kingsley nodded briskly. "Inferi are created individually using a very deliberate spell...they're not supposed to be...to be..."

"Contagious?" Hermione filled in quietly.

"Exactly." Kingsley straightened and began pacing again. "Also, the only known wizard in recent memory to create Inferi was Voldemort. When he died, any Inferi he had created should have been destroyed along with him."

"So there's someone else out there making more?" Harry sighed irritably. "Making them so they can create more on their own?"

"I'm afraid so." Kingsley nodded.

Harry let out a strange snorting sound, shaking all over. Hermione looked at him worriedly. He met her gaze and snorted again, and again. Hermione stared, her eyebrows creeping up her forehead as he let out more and more odd noises.

"Are you alright Harry?" she asked.

"Three days..." he gasped, clutching his stomach. "That bastard was only dead for three days before the next problem popped up! Three days! Wouldn't want us to have a whole week without a crisis on our hands!" He was yelling furiously now, but she realized he was also laughing...literally in hysterics. "You know what? Fuck it. I'm not dealing with this one..." he announced, shaking his head emphatically before he leapt to his feet and stormed out of the room without a backward glance.

Kingsley shrugged helplessly when everyone automatically turned their attention to him. "He took that better than I'd hoped."

"I'll go after him," Hermione sighed. "He's bound to do something reckless if we leave him to his own devices."

"Take this with you," Kingsley said, leaning over his desk to pull something from one of the drawers. Hermione wasn't surprised when he handed her a small round mirror. "You can use it to let us know if you need help with Harry. I'll let you know if there is any further information."

"Do you know where he went?" Arthur asked quietly. Hermione winced when she noticed his eyelashes were damp.

"I have a few ideas," she replied, hugging him gently. He and Molly had become a sort of second set of parents to her over the years, and it was scary seeing him so vulnerable. In light of the new Inferi problem, she was suddenly glad she hadn't yet brought her parents home, though she had checked on them the day after the final battle to make sure they were alright. "I'll let you know if I find him."

"Need help?" Charlie asked, touching her arm as she walked past him.

"Um..." Hermione considered it, but knew they would probably need a strong fighter like him more here at the Ministry than she would where she was going. "I'll send you a Patronus if I need backup?" she suggested as a compromise.

"Good plan." Charlie nodded approvingly. "Make sure you do."

"I promise," she said, crossing her heart. He frowned confusedly at the gesture and she chuckled sheepishly. "Muggle thing. Nevermind." She stepped into the outer office and crossed to the fireplace. “Twelve Grimmauld Place!” she called after tossing in a handful of Floo powder. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It still seems sort of serious, but I promise it's not.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer - I don't own the Harry Potter series or any of the characters therein. Unfortunately for my wallet, I'm not making any money from the writing of this story.


End file.
